Hello, Cyber World!
It has been a while, eh? Well, I must say, things have changed since my last blog.
Over the last few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I have examining my life, past situations, current situations and working on rebuilding my relationship with my Heavenly Father. While ‘building’, I reminded myself that He has always been there. Watching me make my mistakes, as for forgiveness and make some ‘less than perfect’ choices. And all the while, he continued loving me more than I could ever imagine.
Love. That powerful, yet loosely used by so many, word has been in my mind over the last 3 weeks because I finally had the chance to experience love on a different level
First, let me take a step back and catch everyone up. This, by any means, is not meant to hurt anyone. These are mere facts and if stating these facts and actions hurt anyone, I recommend sitting still and evaluate where the ‘hurt’ truly comes from. This is life; full, forward and true
Last year, I decided to take a long break from dating and focus more on my relationship with God. When I tell you that was the BEST decision I’ve made in a very long time. Yes, better than the decision I made to stop eating crawfish! LOL During this time, I also decided to take vow celibacy. This had nothing to do with religion or anything like that. This was a personal decision to keep me from dating. Actually, when I say dating, I mean get into a relationship. Anyone who knows me knows I am a relationship guy. I refrain from ‘dating around’ and I hold myself, my body (temple) in a high regard. This alone makes me ‘strange’ to some of the people in my community. Oh well… I like to be distinctive anyway. So that does not bother me one bit.
As I figured, this kept me focused. There were a few people that wanted to get to know me on another level other than friendship. However, once I told them I was celibate and was expecting to stay that way for an amount of time, they ran for the hills. LOL Perfect; it kept me focused. This, my friends, was the best 6 months of my life. I learned more about myself, my friends, my family and I learned more about God. During this time, I realized that I had a lot to work on personally. I discovered that I am not patient with adults (children can be excused but adults should know better), I could be judgmental, TON of abandonment issues caused by mother and biological father and etc. I knew that this process was not going to be pretty, but I had to do it. I knew that if I was ever going to be a better friend, future father and husband, I had to put that mirror up to my face and finally deal with it. I was determined and could not have any distractions during this process
Now I am not saying this is for everyone. This worked for me because when I start to date someone, it distracts me because I am so intrigued. I want to know all about them because it takes a lot for someone to get my attention on that level.
Fast forward a year later and I met someone that grabbed my attention. We met, sparks flew and it was on the exact day my ‘scheduled dating drought’ ended on my calendar. I like a schedule and routine. So, yes, I set an exact date as to when I will start dating again. I saw this person for who they truly wanted to be and it was a great thing. They were broken from heartache, personal struggles and the dying need to change for the better. They shared with me so much that it almost seemed as if we had the same past. I felt this was God-sent. I cherished this person. I started planning my future life with this person. Early on, I discovered this person lied to me about so much. It broke my heart and scared me at the same time. They lied about ‘real life’ situations such as HIV tests and fidelity. From the beginning, they told me that they were on that same celibacy journey. They told me that there was no other person in those past 6months. Turns out, someone was in that bed only a few weeks prior to our meeting, they haven’t had an HIV test in 2 years and slept with someone with HIV (on purpose) more than once. Unfortunately, that list goes on for a while.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I was scared, confused as to how I did not see this coming and thankful at the same time. I was thankful because during my relationship building with God, I learned forgiveness. TRUE forgiveness; not the forgiveness most of us say but throw in their face at any given chance. This person could not believe it. They were shocked by the forgiveness and made a vow to be a better person to me, themselves and to their friends and family. I quickly realized that the time I took off to focus on my relationship with God paid off on so many levels. I was not only striving to be a better person, I was an example. Oh how I don’t feel worthy.
Let’s fast forward a few months and here I am today. I am no longer in that relationship and I am thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to know that person, thankful for the chance to find out more about myself and thankful for being spared. I am a 3 time cancer survivor and God spared me one more time with good health and a smile that was slightly dimmed by the heartbreak but not burned out. Forgive them. Not for their sake, but for yours. We are all going to make mistakes. Forgive yourself as well. This does not mean you have to keep them in your life. Forgive them, forgive yourself, take the experiences and lessons with you and move on towards Glory. Glory, people, GLORY!
Free yourself!
This is my testimony. I believe that now. I believe that we can all help each other out on this earth with simply sharing out experiences and triumphs. None of us leave this planet unscathed and some of us feel alone because we cannot fathom anyone else going through the same (if not worse) situations. We have to remember that we are built from good stock…made in HIS image. We can do any overcome more than we think. It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible.
“For if you forgive people their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you…But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses…” – Matthew 6: 14-15
