Conceived out of desperation…Born into Ciaos

As I think about that phrase, I can only think about my own life. I was conceived on Valentines Day as a desperate effort to save a marriage ruined by my biological father and mother. From what I understand, they both did the damage. Born 9months and almost a week later, I had no idea what I was getting into.

By the time I was 7 years old, I quickly discovered that life was less than perfect. To my own detriment, I held on to this bitter beginning for years for numerous reasons. Having a mother abandon you and your siblings repeatedly didn’t help. Being born in a ‘way’ that most would consider a ‘freak of nature’. Then pair that with being a light-skinned black. Not white enough for the white kids; not dark enough for the black kids. It was tough. But hey, there are plenty of people that had it tougher.

As time went on and life bent to take my hand, I discovered that we all have a choice. We have a choice to let our past define us and take us down. Or we can use that as a personal testimony that fuels us forward into a better life.
For a while, I must admit, I used my distraught beginnings as a crutch. This crutch was my excuse to not move faster and blame the world for the mistakes that I made. To blame others for the ‘hand I was dealt’. However there becomes a point in my life when I knew I had to stand up, make my life better for not only myself. I had to make my life better for my future phantom children. I did not want these kids of mine to be disappointed in their father. I wanted them to give them an example of how we can make our own choices; Praise be to God.

This turning point was when I decided to leave home and explore my options in Denver. I never lived that far away from home. Before I moved, I did not visit my family often but I knew I was close (physically). I was talking to a friend of mine today about Denver; which brought on this blog.

Denver was a place where I got my heart broken the most by a person. Denver was the place where I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself. Denver was a place where I started searching for a closer relationship with God. And Denver was a place where I finally got to experience 4 seasons. Coming from Texas, that was HUGE for me. It was the best experience thus far; now that I look back.

However, I don’t believe that it was actually ‘Denver’ that changed my life. Because not matter where you go…there you are. But it took me out of my comfort zone so I could grow. I hope, wish and pray that everyone gets to experience this ‘growth’ because I honestly believe that it saved my life. Thanks be to God.

I am going to wear my purple!

Last night I had two horrific dreams about hate crime. Here I sit, an hour early before my personal ‘wake-up call’. I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and thought about those dreams and realized that today was Spirit Day. I began to Pray immediately.

Millions of Americans wear purple on Spirit Day as a sign of support for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth and to speak out against bullying. Spirit Day was started in 2010 by teenager Brittany McMillan as a response to the young people who had taken their own lives. (www.glaad.org/spiritday)

This day has been the quintessential equivalent to Civil Rights in my opinion. Here we are in 2011 and we are still fighting for rights to simply exist as human beings. People believe that LGBT community are freaks of nature and do not deserve the same rights as the ‘straight man’. The phase that gets me the most about Gay Marriage is when I hear people say “If we allow Gay Marriage, what’s next? They would want to marry their dogs?” I cringe at those statements because I realize that there are people that do not consider the LGBT community humans. Why in SAM HILL would you put a person and dog in the same HUMAN rights category? In my opinion, that is the TRUE problem that we need to address; LGBT as human beings first. Shame. Shame on you.

Black people, at one point, had the same issue. Blacks were not considered humans but mere property that one could own or dispose of at any given time. Because of this, Blacks did not have any human rights and many were killed for the simple desire to be treated as human.

Here we are today. Some are scared to be who they are because they witness people being beaten, ostracized, and even killed. Some ‘hide in the closet’ for years and it causes a mental strain and frustration that sometimes results in suicide. The passing to be heterosexual reminds me of the ‘passing for white’ for the Black community. During slavery, it could mean ‘freedom’. There are many documented instances of fair-skinned slaves who posed as white to escape. In modern times, it meant being able to vote in the South.

We all have to come together and take a stand. This has been going on for far too long. We have lost so many good people to this ‘hate’. We fear and want to destroy what we do not understand. WHY is that our only option? Why not agree to disagree and let ALL humans have the same rights and exist in peace (as much as possible) on this earth together.

I am not here to change anyone’s mind. I am here, on this earth, to take a stand because my heart cannot take another suicide, another killing and another act of bullying simple because someone does not understand the LGBT community. Why does anyone have to die for your lack of understanding?
I wear my purple today for the people that have died and for the people that are currently suffering to be who they are because this cruel world will not allow them to be. Let’s end this senseless bullying. The time is now!

Who Are You??

Recently, I have been taking a much needed journey. This journey to be closer to my Heavenly Father was needed for me during this point in my life for many reasons. People on this earth can let you down and disappoint you; I include myself in that statement. However, I found solace in the ‘good news’ as I have over the years. But something ‘clicked’ this year. I realize that I need to continue to my growth spiritually, professionally and personally.

I think the most profound ‘ah ha’ moment was when I realized I was letting the same ‘type’ of people into my life that were not equally yoked. We did not have the same views on friendship, definitely did not have the same view on God or respect for life. The moment wasn’t realizing that we did not have these things in common. I always knew that. The ‘ah ha’ moment was when my best friend Melanie pointed out that I choose these people to share my life, my bed (if I am going to be completely honest) and my everyday with. They come into my life being who they are and I still chose to date them or be their friend. So how is it their fault when things go sour? It isn’t (85% of the time).  It is my fault.

When referring to friends, I would say to myself “Well, I know they are selfish and only care about them. So knowing that, I will be prepared for whatever happens.” WHAT?? Why would anyone prepare for something they know is going to happen (on that level). What’s wrong with me?? LOL I, personally, don’t have that mentality. I have been walking this earth for 33 years and cannot fathom how you love someone (friend, family or lover) and NOT check on them, make sure they are ok, be there for them in a time of need (emotional and etc.) and/or offer something as simple as an ‘ear’ when they are going through life’s changes. If I allow these people in my life that are the exact opposite, why am I surprised when their actions coincide with their character?

I believe knowing, truly knowing ourselves will help us make the right decisions in life. I have been labeled an ‘emotional’ person that ‘feels deeply’. In my 20’s, I was almost offended by that label. Now, I love it. I love it because it is me. I am made in his image and there is nothing wrong with that. Knowing this about myself, I start making certain choices to be around like-minded people and it has been a great experience.

For example, there are a few people that have passed through my life that want to be Ministers but lack compassion and emotion on so many levels. Aside from the studies of ministry, I believe that you have to have a certain amount of ‘feeling’ for people if you are going to provide spiritual guidance. This would baffle me because I think about Jesus Christ and what I am learning about him more lately. Was he emotionally retarded? Did he only guide people for his own vanity reasons? No. He would understand, feel and relate to the people he came in contact with. He had emotion and understanding for people because, I believe, he knew he had to understand people in order to spiritually guide them. Remove yourself from the equation and think about others if you are going to take on this role. The term (Minister) is taken from Latin minister “servant, attendant”, which itself was derived from minus “less”.

In short, I believe we should take some time to get to know ourselves; not what people think we are or who we are trying to be so that we ‘fit in’ with the crowd. Truly knowing ourselves can help make better decisions in this life. But this is merely my opinion mixed in with my personal experiences. Be blessed in all that you do, my friends.