As the year comes to an end, I cannot help but think about the infamous New Years Resolution ritual that most of us do every year. When I think about 2011, I think about the personal highs and lows of the year.
I think about the relationship I was in during the first half of the year; which ended by God removing me from an unhealthy situation. I am not sure about some of you, but while I am in certain situations, I don’t think I grasp the ‘unhealthiness’ until afterwards. I now see that as one of the ‘highs’ of the year. During the course of that relationship, I found my biological family (dad’s side). So not only do I have the Proutt family, God blessed me with the McCullough family AND my family of choice. My dear Heavenly Father also saw fit to bless me with a true church home. And although I almost let the ‘Christians behaving badly’ drive me away from that church home, I am thankful that he sent two of his finest people (Dr Gretchen and Pastor Frank) to come ‘get me’ and bring me back. I thought I made some friends there (with other people) but quickly realized that maybe not and that is ok. Seriously. NONE of us are perfect or make perfect friends. Once again, my Father showed me I have more blessings that I could ever imagine.
For me, 2011 was full of lessons that I carry me safely with me in 2012. These life lessons will hopefully preclude me from making the same mistakes. Overall, I hope and pray that everything I learned and experienced in 2011 will make me a better man, brother-in-Christ (and disciple), friend, family member and example in 2012.
Thank you again, Heavenly Father, for blessing me. I don’t feel worthy!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Traffic Light
Ten years ago, in my early 20s, I recall feeling this sense of endless possibility. I felt there was going to be more chances to love freely and dramatically. LOL
I believe most of us can admit that our 20s were full of theatrical moments; an essential ingredient to shape who we are today. Hopefully we learn from our 20s and make better decisions and we move on to the next age bracket.
Fast forward Byron’s life to present day:
“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love” – Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw
That happens to be one of my favorite quotes from that TV show; mainly because it resonates with my own life experiences. Like most TV shows, movies and/or songs, we tend to gravitate towards these examples so that we can feel less alien-like (LOL). We want to know that someone out there gets us on some level.
Then we meet people that don’t quite fit that ridiculous, inconvenient, love statement. They are clever with their words but fall short on their actions. As for me, there is no rush to the alter, of course. On the other hand, knowing that tomorrow is not promised, I have a difficult time sticking around for something seems to be wasteful. I do not believe in wasting time because I don’t know how much of that is left. None of us know. I want to spend each moment loving, laughing and sharing it with people on that same level. The time is here...right now...in this very moment. When it comes to bringing in that significant other, when do we stop? When do we go?
Why can’t we have a traffic light image pop in our heads when we meet new people…telling us when to proceed and when to stop proceeding? I guess that would be too easy, huh? LOL
I believe most of us can admit that our 20s were full of theatrical moments; an essential ingredient to shape who we are today. Hopefully we learn from our 20s and make better decisions and we move on to the next age bracket.
Fast forward Byron’s life to present day:
“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love” – Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw
That happens to be one of my favorite quotes from that TV show; mainly because it resonates with my own life experiences. Like most TV shows, movies and/or songs, we tend to gravitate towards these examples so that we can feel less alien-like (LOL). We want to know that someone out there gets us on some level.
Then we meet people that don’t quite fit that ridiculous, inconvenient, love statement. They are clever with their words but fall short on their actions. As for me, there is no rush to the alter, of course. On the other hand, knowing that tomorrow is not promised, I have a difficult time sticking around for something seems to be wasteful. I do not believe in wasting time because I don’t know how much of that is left. None of us know. I want to spend each moment loving, laughing and sharing it with people on that same level. The time is here...right now...in this very moment. When it comes to bringing in that significant other, when do we stop? When do we go?
Why can’t we have a traffic light image pop in our heads when we meet new people…telling us when to proceed and when to stop proceeding? I guess that would be too easy, huh? LOL
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Conceived out of desperation…Born into Ciaos
As I think about that phrase, I can only think about my own life. I was conceived on Valentines Day as a desperate effort to save a marriage ruined by my biological father and mother. From what I understand, they both did the damage. Born 9months and almost a week later, I had no idea what I was getting into.
By the time I was 7 years old, I quickly discovered that life was less than perfect. To my own detriment, I held on to this bitter beginning for years for numerous reasons. Having a mother abandon you and your siblings repeatedly didn’t help. Being born in a ‘way’ that most would consider a ‘freak of nature’. Then pair that with being a light-skinned black. Not white enough for the white kids; not dark enough for the black kids. It was tough. But hey, there are plenty of people that had it tougher.
As time went on and life bent to take my hand, I discovered that we all have a choice. We have a choice to let our past define us and take us down. Or we can use that as a personal testimony that fuels us forward into a better life.
For a while, I must admit, I used my distraught beginnings as a crutch. This crutch was my excuse to not move faster and blame the world for the mistakes that I made. To blame others for the ‘hand I was dealt’. However there becomes a point in my life when I knew I had to stand up, make my life better for not only myself. I had to make my life better for my future phantom children. I did not want these kids of mine to be disappointed in their father. I wanted them to give them an example of how we can make our own choices; Praise be to God.
This turning point was when I decided to leave home and explore my options in Denver. I never lived that far away from home. Before I moved, I did not visit my family often but I knew I was close (physically). I was talking to a friend of mine today about Denver; which brought on this blog.
Denver was a place where I got my heart broken the most by a person. Denver was the place where I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself. Denver was a place where I started searching for a closer relationship with God. And Denver was a place where I finally got to experience 4 seasons. Coming from Texas, that was HUGE for me. It was the best experience thus far; now that I look back.
However, I don’t believe that it was actually ‘Denver’ that changed my life. Because not matter where you go…there you are. But it took me out of my comfort zone so I could grow. I hope, wish and pray that everyone gets to experience this ‘growth’ because I honestly believe that it saved my life. Thanks be to God.
By the time I was 7 years old, I quickly discovered that life was less than perfect. To my own detriment, I held on to this bitter beginning for years for numerous reasons. Having a mother abandon you and your siblings repeatedly didn’t help. Being born in a ‘way’ that most would consider a ‘freak of nature’. Then pair that with being a light-skinned black. Not white enough for the white kids; not dark enough for the black kids. It was tough. But hey, there are plenty of people that had it tougher.
As time went on and life bent to take my hand, I discovered that we all have a choice. We have a choice to let our past define us and take us down. Or we can use that as a personal testimony that fuels us forward into a better life.
For a while, I must admit, I used my distraught beginnings as a crutch. This crutch was my excuse to not move faster and blame the world for the mistakes that I made. To blame others for the ‘hand I was dealt’. However there becomes a point in my life when I knew I had to stand up, make my life better for not only myself. I had to make my life better for my future phantom children. I did not want these kids of mine to be disappointed in their father. I wanted them to give them an example of how we can make our own choices; Praise be to God.
This turning point was when I decided to leave home and explore my options in Denver. I never lived that far away from home. Before I moved, I did not visit my family often but I knew I was close (physically). I was talking to a friend of mine today about Denver; which brought on this blog.
Denver was a place where I got my heart broken the most by a person. Denver was the place where I finally stopped feeling sorry for myself. Denver was a place where I started searching for a closer relationship with God. And Denver was a place where I finally got to experience 4 seasons. Coming from Texas, that was HUGE for me. It was the best experience thus far; now that I look back.
However, I don’t believe that it was actually ‘Denver’ that changed my life. Because not matter where you go…there you are. But it took me out of my comfort zone so I could grow. I hope, wish and pray that everyone gets to experience this ‘growth’ because I honestly believe that it saved my life. Thanks be to God.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I am going to wear my purple!
Last night I had two horrific dreams about hate crime. Here I sit, an hour early before my personal ‘wake-up call’. I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and thought about those dreams and realized that today was Spirit Day. I began to Pray immediately.
Millions of Americans wear purple on Spirit Day as a sign of support for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) youth and to speak out against bullying. Spirit Day was started in 2010 by teenager Brittany McMillan as a response to the young people who had taken their own lives. (www.glaad.org/spiritday)
This day has been the quintessential equivalent to Civil Rights in my opinion. Here we are in 2011 and we are still fighting for rights to simply exist as human beings. People believe that LGBT community are freaks of nature and do not deserve the same rights as the ‘straight man’. The phase that gets me the most about Gay Marriage is when I hear people say “If we allow Gay Marriage, what’s next? They would want to marry their dogs?” I cringe at those statements because I realize that there are people that do not consider the LGBT community humans. Why in SAM HILL would you put a person and dog in the same HUMAN rights category? In my opinion, that is the TRUE problem that we need to address; LGBT as human beings first. Shame. Shame on you.
Black people, at one point, had the same issue. Blacks were not considered humans but mere property that one could own or dispose of at any given time. Because of this, Blacks did not have any human rights and many were killed for the simple desire to be treated as human.
Here we are today. Some are scared to be who they are because they witness people being beaten, ostracized, and even killed. Some ‘hide in the closet’ for years and it causes a mental strain and frustration that sometimes results in suicide. The passing to be heterosexual reminds me of the ‘passing for white’ for the Black community. During slavery, it could mean ‘freedom’. There are many documented instances of fair-skinned slaves who posed as white to escape. In modern times, it meant being able to vote in the South.
We all have to come together and take a stand. This has been going on for far too long. We have lost so many good people to this ‘hate’. We fear and want to destroy what we do not understand. WHY is that our only option? Why not agree to disagree and let ALL humans have the same rights and exist in peace (as much as possible) on this earth together.
I am not here to change anyone’s mind. I am here, on this earth, to take a stand because my heart cannot take another suicide, another killing and another act of bullying simple because someone does not understand the LGBT community. Why does anyone have to die for your lack of understanding?
I wear my purple today for the people that have died and for the people that are currently suffering to be who they are because this cruel world will not allow them to be. Let’s end this senseless bullying. The time is now!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Who Are You??
Recently, I have been taking a much needed journey. This journey to be closer to my Heavenly Father was needed for me during this point in my life for many reasons. People on this earth can let you down and disappoint you; I include myself in that statement. However, I found solace in the ‘good news’ as I have over the years. But something ‘clicked’ this year. I realize that I need to continue to my growth spiritually, professionally and personally.
I think the most profound ‘ah ha’ moment was when I realized I was letting the same ‘type’ of people into my life that were not equally yoked. We did not have the same views on friendship, definitely did not have the same view on God or respect for life. The moment wasn’t realizing that we did not have these things in common. I always knew that. The ‘ah ha’ moment was when my best friend Melanie pointed out that I choose these people to share my life, my bed (if I am going to be completely honest) and my everyday with. They come into my life being who they are and I still chose to date them or be their friend. So how is it their fault when things go sour? It isn’t (85% of the time). It is my fault.
When referring to friends, I would say to myself “Well, I know they are selfish and only care about them. So knowing that, I will be prepared for whatever happens.” WHAT?? Why would anyone prepare for something they know is going to happen (on that level). What’s wrong with me?? LOL I, personally, don’t have that mentality. I have been walking this earth for 33 years and cannot fathom how you love someone (friend, family or lover) and NOT check on them, make sure they are ok, be there for them in a time of need (emotional and etc.) and/or offer something as simple as an ‘ear’ when they are going through life’s changes. If I allow these people in my life that are the exact opposite, why am I surprised when their actions coincide with their character?
I believe knowing, truly knowing ourselves will help us make the right decisions in life. I have been labeled an ‘emotional’ person that ‘feels deeply’. In my 20’s, I was almost offended by that label. Now, I love it. I love it because it is me. I am made in his image and there is nothing wrong with that. Knowing this about myself, I start making certain choices to be around like-minded people and it has been a great experience.
For example, there are a few people that have passed through my life that want to be Ministers but lack compassion and emotion on so many levels. Aside from the studies of ministry, I believe that you have to have a certain amount of ‘feeling’ for people if you are going to provide spiritual guidance. This would baffle me because I think about Jesus Christ and what I am learning about him more lately. Was he emotionally retarded? Did he only guide people for his own vanity reasons? No. He would understand, feel and relate to the people he came in contact with. He had emotion and understanding for people because, I believe, he knew he had to understand people in order to spiritually guide them. Remove yourself from the equation and think about others if you are going to take on this role. The term (Minister) is taken from Latin minister “servant, attendant”, which itself was derived from minus “less”.
In short, I believe we should take some time to get to know ourselves; not what people think we are or who we are trying to be so that we ‘fit in’ with the crowd. Truly knowing ourselves can help make better decisions in this life. But this is merely my opinion mixed in with my personal experiences. Be blessed in all that you do, my friends.
I think the most profound ‘ah ha’ moment was when I realized I was letting the same ‘type’ of people into my life that were not equally yoked. We did not have the same views on friendship, definitely did not have the same view on God or respect for life. The moment wasn’t realizing that we did not have these things in common. I always knew that. The ‘ah ha’ moment was when my best friend Melanie pointed out that I choose these people to share my life, my bed (if I am going to be completely honest) and my everyday with. They come into my life being who they are and I still chose to date them or be their friend. So how is it their fault when things go sour? It isn’t (85% of the time). It is my fault.
When referring to friends, I would say to myself “Well, I know they are selfish and only care about them. So knowing that, I will be prepared for whatever happens.” WHAT?? Why would anyone prepare for something they know is going to happen (on that level). What’s wrong with me?? LOL I, personally, don’t have that mentality. I have been walking this earth for 33 years and cannot fathom how you love someone (friend, family or lover) and NOT check on them, make sure they are ok, be there for them in a time of need (emotional and etc.) and/or offer something as simple as an ‘ear’ when they are going through life’s changes. If I allow these people in my life that are the exact opposite, why am I surprised when their actions coincide with their character?
I believe knowing, truly knowing ourselves will help us make the right decisions in life. I have been labeled an ‘emotional’ person that ‘feels deeply’. In my 20’s, I was almost offended by that label. Now, I love it. I love it because it is me. I am made in his image and there is nothing wrong with that. Knowing this about myself, I start making certain choices to be around like-minded people and it has been a great experience.
For example, there are a few people that have passed through my life that want to be Ministers but lack compassion and emotion on so many levels. Aside from the studies of ministry, I believe that you have to have a certain amount of ‘feeling’ for people if you are going to provide spiritual guidance. This would baffle me because I think about Jesus Christ and what I am learning about him more lately. Was he emotionally retarded? Did he only guide people for his own vanity reasons? No. He would understand, feel and relate to the people he came in contact with. He had emotion and understanding for people because, I believe, he knew he had to understand people in order to spiritually guide them. Remove yourself from the equation and think about others if you are going to take on this role. The term (Minister) is taken from Latin minister “servant, attendant”, which itself was derived from minus “less”.
In short, I believe we should take some time to get to know ourselves; not what people think we are or who we are trying to be so that we ‘fit in’ with the crowd. Truly knowing ourselves can help make better decisions in this life. But this is merely my opinion mixed in with my personal experiences. Be blessed in all that you do, my friends.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Always Learning...
Hello, Cyber World!
It has been a while, eh? Well, I must say, things have changed since my last blog.
Over the last few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I have examining my life, past situations, current situations and working on rebuilding my relationship with my Heavenly Father. While ‘building’, I reminded myself that He has always been there. Watching me make my mistakes, as for forgiveness and make some ‘less than perfect’ choices. And all the while, he continued loving me more than I could ever imagine.
Love. That powerful, yet loosely used by so many, word has been in my mind over the last 3 weeks because I finally had the chance to experience love on a different level
First, let me take a step back and catch everyone up. This, by any means, is not meant to hurt anyone. These are mere facts and if stating these facts and actions hurt anyone, I recommend sitting still and evaluate where the ‘hurt’ truly comes from. This is life; full, forward and true
Last year, I decided to take a long break from dating and focus more on my relationship with God. When I tell you that was the BEST decision I’ve made in a very long time. Yes, better than the decision I made to stop eating crawfish! LOL During this time, I also decided to take vow celibacy. This had nothing to do with religion or anything like that. This was a personal decision to keep me from dating. Actually, when I say dating, I mean get into a relationship. Anyone who knows me knows I am a relationship guy. I refrain from ‘dating around’ and I hold myself, my body (temple) in a high regard. This alone makes me ‘strange’ to some of the people in my community. Oh well… I like to be distinctive anyway. So that does not bother me one bit.
As I figured, this kept me focused. There were a few people that wanted to get to know me on another level other than friendship. However, once I told them I was celibate and was expecting to stay that way for an amount of time, they ran for the hills. LOL Perfect; it kept me focused. This, my friends, was the best 6 months of my life. I learned more about myself, my friends, my family and I learned more about God. During this time, I realized that I had a lot to work on personally. I discovered that I am not patient with adults (children can be excused but adults should know better), I could be judgmental, TON of abandonment issues caused by mother and biological father and etc. I knew that this process was not going to be pretty, but I had to do it. I knew that if I was ever going to be a better friend, future father and husband, I had to put that mirror up to my face and finally deal with it. I was determined and could not have any distractions during this process
Now I am not saying this is for everyone. This worked for me because when I start to date someone, it distracts me because I am so intrigued. I want to know all about them because it takes a lot for someone to get my attention on that level.
Fast forward a year later and I met someone that grabbed my attention. We met, sparks flew and it was on the exact day my ‘scheduled dating drought’ ended on my calendar. I like a schedule and routine. So, yes, I set an exact date as to when I will start dating again. I saw this person for who they truly wanted to be and it was a great thing. They were broken from heartache, personal struggles and the dying need to change for the better. They shared with me so much that it almost seemed as if we had the same past. I felt this was God-sent. I cherished this person. I started planning my future life with this person. Early on, I discovered this person lied to me about so much. It broke my heart and scared me at the same time. They lied about ‘real life’ situations such as HIV tests and fidelity. From the beginning, they told me that they were on that same celibacy journey. They told me that there was no other person in those past 6months. Turns out, someone was in that bed only a few weeks prior to our meeting, they haven’t had an HIV test in 2 years and slept with someone with HIV (on purpose) more than once. Unfortunately, that list goes on for a while.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I was scared, confused as to how I did not see this coming and thankful at the same time. I was thankful because during my relationship building with God, I learned forgiveness. TRUE forgiveness; not the forgiveness most of us say but throw in their face at any given chance. This person could not believe it. They were shocked by the forgiveness and made a vow to be a better person to me, themselves and to their friends and family. I quickly realized that the time I took off to focus on my relationship with God paid off on so many levels. I was not only striving to be a better person, I was an example. Oh how I don’t feel worthy.
Let’s fast forward a few months and here I am today. I am no longer in that relationship and I am thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to know that person, thankful for the chance to find out more about myself and thankful for being spared. I am a 3 time cancer survivor and God spared me one more time with good health and a smile that was slightly dimmed by the heartbreak but not burned out. Forgive them. Not for their sake, but for yours. We are all going to make mistakes. Forgive yourself as well. This does not mean you have to keep them in your life. Forgive them, forgive yourself, take the experiences and lessons with you and move on towards Glory. Glory, people, GLORY!
Free yourself!
This is my testimony. I believe that now. I believe that we can all help each other out on this earth with simply sharing out experiences and triumphs. None of us leave this planet unscathed and some of us feel alone because we cannot fathom anyone else going through the same (if not worse) situations. We have to remember that we are built from good stock…made in HIS image. We can do any overcome more than we think. It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible.
“For if you forgive people their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you…But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses…” – Matthew 6: 14-15
It has been a while, eh? Well, I must say, things have changed since my last blog.
Over the last few weeks, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I have examining my life, past situations, current situations and working on rebuilding my relationship with my Heavenly Father. While ‘building’, I reminded myself that He has always been there. Watching me make my mistakes, as for forgiveness and make some ‘less than perfect’ choices. And all the while, he continued loving me more than I could ever imagine.
Love. That powerful, yet loosely used by so many, word has been in my mind over the last 3 weeks because I finally had the chance to experience love on a different level
First, let me take a step back and catch everyone up. This, by any means, is not meant to hurt anyone. These are mere facts and if stating these facts and actions hurt anyone, I recommend sitting still and evaluate where the ‘hurt’ truly comes from. This is life; full, forward and true
Last year, I decided to take a long break from dating and focus more on my relationship with God. When I tell you that was the BEST decision I’ve made in a very long time. Yes, better than the decision I made to stop eating crawfish! LOL During this time, I also decided to take vow celibacy. This had nothing to do with religion or anything like that. This was a personal decision to keep me from dating. Actually, when I say dating, I mean get into a relationship. Anyone who knows me knows I am a relationship guy. I refrain from ‘dating around’ and I hold myself, my body (temple) in a high regard. This alone makes me ‘strange’ to some of the people in my community. Oh well… I like to be distinctive anyway. So that does not bother me one bit.
As I figured, this kept me focused. There were a few people that wanted to get to know me on another level other than friendship. However, once I told them I was celibate and was expecting to stay that way for an amount of time, they ran for the hills. LOL Perfect; it kept me focused. This, my friends, was the best 6 months of my life. I learned more about myself, my friends, my family and I learned more about God. During this time, I realized that I had a lot to work on personally. I discovered that I am not patient with adults (children can be excused but adults should know better), I could be judgmental, TON of abandonment issues caused by mother and biological father and etc. I knew that this process was not going to be pretty, but I had to do it. I knew that if I was ever going to be a better friend, future father and husband, I had to put that mirror up to my face and finally deal with it. I was determined and could not have any distractions during this process
Now I am not saying this is for everyone. This worked for me because when I start to date someone, it distracts me because I am so intrigued. I want to know all about them because it takes a lot for someone to get my attention on that level.
Fast forward a year later and I met someone that grabbed my attention. We met, sparks flew and it was on the exact day my ‘scheduled dating drought’ ended on my calendar. I like a schedule and routine. So, yes, I set an exact date as to when I will start dating again. I saw this person for who they truly wanted to be and it was a great thing. They were broken from heartache, personal struggles and the dying need to change for the better. They shared with me so much that it almost seemed as if we had the same past. I felt this was God-sent. I cherished this person. I started planning my future life with this person. Early on, I discovered this person lied to me about so much. It broke my heart and scared me at the same time. They lied about ‘real life’ situations such as HIV tests and fidelity. From the beginning, they told me that they were on that same celibacy journey. They told me that there was no other person in those past 6months. Turns out, someone was in that bed only a few weeks prior to our meeting, they haven’t had an HIV test in 2 years and slept with someone with HIV (on purpose) more than once. Unfortunately, that list goes on for a while.
Needless to say, I was devastated. I was scared, confused as to how I did not see this coming and thankful at the same time. I was thankful because during my relationship building with God, I learned forgiveness. TRUE forgiveness; not the forgiveness most of us say but throw in their face at any given chance. This person could not believe it. They were shocked by the forgiveness and made a vow to be a better person to me, themselves and to their friends and family. I quickly realized that the time I took off to focus on my relationship with God paid off on so many levels. I was not only striving to be a better person, I was an example. Oh how I don’t feel worthy.
Let’s fast forward a few months and here I am today. I am no longer in that relationship and I am thankful. Thankful for the opportunity to know that person, thankful for the chance to find out more about myself and thankful for being spared. I am a 3 time cancer survivor and God spared me one more time with good health and a smile that was slightly dimmed by the heartbreak but not burned out. Forgive them. Not for their sake, but for yours. We are all going to make mistakes. Forgive yourself as well. This does not mean you have to keep them in your life. Forgive them, forgive yourself, take the experiences and lessons with you and move on towards Glory. Glory, people, GLORY!
Free yourself!
This is my testimony. I believe that now. I believe that we can all help each other out on this earth with simply sharing out experiences and triumphs. None of us leave this planet unscathed and some of us feel alone because we cannot fathom anyone else going through the same (if not worse) situations. We have to remember that we are built from good stock…made in HIS image. We can do any overcome more than we think. It’s not going to be easy, but it is possible.
“For if you forgive people their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you…But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses…” – Matthew 6: 14-15
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Friends....Love them as they are
As get older, some of us hope and pray that we become wiser. As for me, I know that I am not perfect by any means. I try my best (and will continue) to listen to my heart, my friends and my family so that I can become a better person.
Recently I had an epiphany. I realized I was trying to ‘make’ someone (inadvertently) be who they were not designed to be. I guess I’ve become accustomed to the “MJ” and “Melanie”s of this world.
I sat back and thought about these two friends of mine. I realized that they have been there for me on so many levels and have had my back throughout the years. They have also allowed me the honor of having their backs as well. They have been there and stood shoulder to shoulder beside me during life’s battles.
I have this other friend who I love, don’t get me wrong. But they always debate everything that comes out of my mouth. They jump to the other side of the situation that involves me to protect that other side. LOL Its actually become quite comical because I have learned that when it comes to me, this person will never listen to have my side. And you know what, that’s completely ok.
For example, I will tell this person that another person told me. Something direct like “Can you believe that**** told me that she thinks Black people are dirty?” This friend of mine will follow up with “I don’t think she meant it like that.” LOL!! I quickly reply with “Those were her exact words, how could you NOT think she meant it like that?’ The friend will pause and have this look of ‘thought’ as if they are trying to figure it out then say something like “Well, maybe she just said it because she does not know better. You shouldn’t be bothered by that.” LOL!! See….its comical.
*** INTERJECTION *** I just received a text message from my friend MJ just now. I asked MJ to attend an event with me because I know there will be a lot of people there that wont talk to me because of a current situation and I needed a true friend there. This is the text he sent: “No matter what the story. ‘forget them’ for not talking to you….” - See, everyone, that is loyalty at it finest.
These true friends, Melanie and MJ, will not hesitate to tell me when I am wrong as well. I feel that is important for any relationship. However, they don’t find it their daily quest to debate every word that comes out of my mouth and purposely jump to the other side JUST because I am involved.
This blog is dedicated to them. The friends that love me, have my back, have my best interest at heart and have always been honest and truthful. I love you guys. I am blessed to have you in my life and honored to be your friend.
-Byron
Recently I had an epiphany. I realized I was trying to ‘make’ someone (inadvertently) be who they were not designed to be. I guess I’ve become accustomed to the “MJ” and “Melanie”s of this world.
I sat back and thought about these two friends of mine. I realized that they have been there for me on so many levels and have had my back throughout the years. They have also allowed me the honor of having their backs as well. They have been there and stood shoulder to shoulder beside me during life’s battles.
I have this other friend who I love, don’t get me wrong. But they always debate everything that comes out of my mouth. They jump to the other side of the situation that involves me to protect that other side. LOL Its actually become quite comical because I have learned that when it comes to me, this person will never listen to have my side. And you know what, that’s completely ok.
For example, I will tell this person that another person told me. Something direct like “Can you believe that**** told me that she thinks Black people are dirty?” This friend of mine will follow up with “I don’t think she meant it like that.” LOL!! I quickly reply with “Those were her exact words, how could you NOT think she meant it like that?’ The friend will pause and have this look of ‘thought’ as if they are trying to figure it out then say something like “Well, maybe she just said it because she does not know better. You shouldn’t be bothered by that.” LOL!! See….its comical.
*** INTERJECTION *** I just received a text message from my friend MJ just now. I asked MJ to attend an event with me because I know there will be a lot of people there that wont talk to me because of a current situation and I needed a true friend there. This is the text he sent: “No matter what the story. ‘forget them’ for not talking to you….” - See, everyone, that is loyalty at it finest.
These true friends, Melanie and MJ, will not hesitate to tell me when I am wrong as well. I feel that is important for any relationship. However, they don’t find it their daily quest to debate every word that comes out of my mouth and purposely jump to the other side JUST because I am involved.
This blog is dedicated to them. The friends that love me, have my back, have my best interest at heart and have always been honest and truthful. I love you guys. I am blessed to have you in my life and honored to be your friend.
-Byron
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Return of the 'Hot Stove'...
I once read a Chinese Proverb that states: ‘Once bitten by a snake, one is terrified at the sight of a mere rope.’ Some of us get into situations and relationships that aren’t good for us. We end up staying in these situations for comfort reasons. We even rationalize and say “Well since I already know how crappy this situation is, I might as well stay.”
A friend told me a few days ago about the definition of insanity. She stated the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. YIKES!!! That would mean we are all insane at some point.
So I decided to look a little deeper into the definition of insanity. I quickly realized that the definition stated to me days ago, was a quote on how Albert Einstein felt about insanity.
The Webster definition for Insanity are follows
As an Adjective: Not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged. utterly senseless
As a Noun: The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. Law . such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity.
What happens to us during our lifetime that causes us to abandon our self-worth for someone (or something) that deems us worthless?
As children, we express confidence on many levels. We proudly wear clothes that do not match JUST because we want to. We wear the same ‘favorite’ shirt to bed and for a number of days because we don’t care what people think; its our favorite! We get into trouble often because we say what is on our minds and will boldly tell another child or adult the truth about themselves.
However, something happens shortly after our confidence diminishes. Some say this is because of the mere assault to our childhood distributed by the events of life. I believe that to be true with the majority of us.
We become adults and make the same mistakes repeatedly wishing, hoping and praying for a different outcome.
When will we ever learn?
A friend told me a few days ago about the definition of insanity. She stated the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. YIKES!!! That would mean we are all insane at some point.
So I decided to look a little deeper into the definition of insanity. I quickly realized that the definition stated to me days ago, was a quote on how Albert Einstein felt about insanity.
The Webster definition for Insanity are follows
As an Adjective: Not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged. utterly senseless
As a Noun: The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. Law . such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity.
What happens to us during our lifetime that causes us to abandon our self-worth for someone (or something) that deems us worthless?
As children, we express confidence on many levels. We proudly wear clothes that do not match JUST because we want to. We wear the same ‘favorite’ shirt to bed and for a number of days because we don’t care what people think; its our favorite! We get into trouble often because we say what is on our minds and will boldly tell another child or adult the truth about themselves.
However, something happens shortly after our confidence diminishes. Some say this is because of the mere assault to our childhood distributed by the events of life. I believe that to be true with the majority of us.
We become adults and make the same mistakes repeatedly wishing, hoping and praying for a different outcome.
When will we ever learn?
The Return of the 'Hot Stove'...
I once read a Chinese Proverb that states: ‘Once bitten by a snake, one is terrified at the sight of a mere rope.’ Some of us get into situations and relationships that aren’t good for us. We end up staying in these situations for comfort reasons. We even rationalize and say “Well since I already know how crappy this situation is, I might as well stay.”
A friend told me a few days ago about the definition of insanity. She stated the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. YIKES!!! That would mean we are all insane at some point.
So I decided to look a little deeper into the definition of insanity. I quickly realized that the definition stated to me days ago, was a quote on how Albert Einstein felt about insanity.
The Webster definition for Insanity are follows
As an Adjective: Not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged. utterly senseless
As a Noun: The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. Law . such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity.
What happens to us during our lifetime that causes us to abandon our self-worth for someone (or something) that deems us worthless?
As children, we express confidence on many levels. We proudly wear clothes that do not match JUST because we want to. We wear the same ‘favorite’ shirt to bed and for a number of days because we don’t care what people think; its our favorite! We get into trouble often because we say what is on our minds and will boldly tell another child or adult the truth about themselves.
However, something happens shortly after our confidence diminishes. Some say this is because of the mere assault to our childhood distributed by the events of life. I believe that to be true with the majority of us.
We become adults and make the same mistakes repeatedly wishing, hoping and praying for a different outcome.
When will we ever learn?
A friend told me a few days ago about the definition of insanity. She stated the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. YIKES!!! That would mean we are all insane at some point.
So I decided to look a little deeper into the definition of insanity. I quickly realized that the definition stated to me days ago, was a quote on how Albert Einstein felt about insanity.
The Webster definition for Insanity are follows
As an Adjective: Not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged. utterly senseless
As a Noun: The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. Law . such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity.
What happens to us during our lifetime that causes us to abandon our self-worth for someone (or something) that deems us worthless?
As children, we express confidence on many levels. We proudly wear clothes that do not match JUST because we want to. We wear the same ‘favorite’ shirt to bed and for a number of days because we don’t care what people think; its our favorite! We get into trouble often because we say what is on our minds and will boldly tell another child or adult the truth about themselves.
However, something happens shortly after our confidence diminishes. Some say this is because of the mere assault to our childhood distributed by the events of life. I believe that to be true with the majority of us.
We become adults and make the same mistakes repeatedly wishing, hoping and praying for a different outcome.
When will we ever learn?
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Return of the 'Hot Stove'...
I once read a Chinese Proverb that states: ‘Once bitten by a snake, one is terrified at the sight of a mere rope.’ Some of us get into situations and relationships that aren’t good for us. We end up staying in these situations for comfort reasons. We even rationalize and say “Well since I already know how crappy this situation is, I might as well stay.”
A friend told me a few days ago about the definition of insanity. She stated the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. YIKES!!! That would mean we are all insane at some point.
So I decided to look a little deeper into the definition of insanity. I quickly realized that the definition stated to me days ago, was a quote on how Albert Einstein felt about insanity.
The Webster definition for Insanity are follows
As an Adjective: Not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged. utterly senseless
As a Noun: The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. Law . such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity.
What happens to us during our lifetime that causes us to abandon our self-worth for someone (or something) that deems us worthless?
As children, we express confidence on many levels. We proudly wear clothes that do not match JUST because we want to. We wear the same ‘favorite’ shirt to bed and for a number of days because we don’t care what people think; its our favorite! We get into trouble often because we say what is on our minds and will boldly tell another child or adult the truth about themselves.
However, something happens shortly after our confidence diminishes. Some say this is because of the mere assault to our childhood distributed by the events of life. I believe that to be true with the majority of us.
We become adults and make the same mistakes repeatedly wishing, hoping and praying for a different outcome.
We will we ever learn?
A friend told me a few days ago about the definition of insanity. She stated the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results. YIKES!!! That would mean we are all insane at some point.
So I decided to look a little deeper into the definition of insanity. I quickly realized that the definition stated to me days ago, was a quote on how Albert Einstein felt about insanity.
The Webster definition for Insanity are follows
As an Adjective: Not sane; not of sound mind; mentally deranged. utterly senseless
As a Noun: The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. Law . such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity.
What happens to us during our lifetime that causes us to abandon our self-worth for someone (or something) that deems us worthless?
As children, we express confidence on many levels. We proudly wear clothes that do not match JUST because we want to. We wear the same ‘favorite’ shirt to bed and for a number of days because we don’t care what people think; its our favorite! We get into trouble often because we say what is on our minds and will boldly tell another child or adult the truth about themselves.
However, something happens shortly after our confidence diminishes. Some say this is because of the mere assault to our childhood distributed by the events of life. I believe that to be true with the majority of us.
We become adults and make the same mistakes repeatedly wishing, hoping and praying for a different outcome.
We will we ever learn?
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Random thoughts of April 12, 2011…
In my 30’s, I learned a few things about knowing the difference between being alone and lonely. The moment that was mastered, another conundrum surfaced.
During the first phase, I realized that I welcomed people in my life strictly as a result of my loneliness. With that came drama, heart ache and betrayal to name a few. I invited people in my ‘arena’ that needed me in one way or another. Shortly after that, the tables turned. I was there because I needed them again…as space fillers.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We can give that overly used response of “I did not want to be alone.” Or we can actually dig a bit deeper and realize that there is more to it than that.
Most of us start off with that ‘did not want to be alone’ reason until we take the time to transcend into TRUE reality. The true reality for most of us is that we are scared. Scared of silence and what it will whisper to us.
During that time, we realize that silence can present not just whispers but ghost of our past, present and future.
Some of us hear things such as:
“What if everyone finds out that I am not the person I present on stage and during ‘water cooler’ conversations?”
“What if they find out that I am not truly happy with being a man of color because sometimes it just too hard?”
“What if they find out that I lie about every detail of my professional life because I want to impress everyone around me? “
“What if they find out my biggest secret of all time? I like to be in control because I am insecurities will not allow me to be comfortable if someone else is in control.”
“I keep telling everyone I have money because I figure that will make the people around me happy and stay close to me.”
Anyone that has gone through this knows that this these actions and lies are only temporary. The truth will come out in one way or another. Or some of us end up dying alone because our lies have aliened our friends and we lose touch with reality with ourselves until the day we die. Either way, it’s not a praiseworthy result.
Why not surround ourselves with like-minded people that ‘get’ you in one way or another? The kind of people that don’t judge you on your new-found faith, weird clothing choices and basic lifestyle. The kind of people that know the real you. They tell you when you are wrong. They will help you along the way in this difficult life.
Because God knows this life is full of disappointments. However, I believe, that He gives 3-times more of those good times. The laughter, the smiles and the feeling of love makes it all worth it.
During the first phase, I realized that I welcomed people in my life strictly as a result of my loneliness. With that came drama, heart ache and betrayal to name a few. I invited people in my ‘arena’ that needed me in one way or another. Shortly after that, the tables turned. I was there because I needed them again…as space fillers.
Why do we do this to ourselves? We can give that overly used response of “I did not want to be alone.” Or we can actually dig a bit deeper and realize that there is more to it than that.
Most of us start off with that ‘did not want to be alone’ reason until we take the time to transcend into TRUE reality. The true reality for most of us is that we are scared. Scared of silence and what it will whisper to us.
During that time, we realize that silence can present not just whispers but ghost of our past, present and future.
Some of us hear things such as:
“What if everyone finds out that I am not the person I present on stage and during ‘water cooler’ conversations?”
“What if they find out that I am not truly happy with being a man of color because sometimes it just too hard?”
“What if they find out that I lie about every detail of my professional life because I want to impress everyone around me? “
“What if they find out my biggest secret of all time? I like to be in control because I am insecurities will not allow me to be comfortable if someone else is in control.”
“I keep telling everyone I have money because I figure that will make the people around me happy and stay close to me.”
Anyone that has gone through this knows that this these actions and lies are only temporary. The truth will come out in one way or another. Or some of us end up dying alone because our lies have aliened our friends and we lose touch with reality with ourselves until the day we die. Either way, it’s not a praiseworthy result.
Why not surround ourselves with like-minded people that ‘get’ you in one way or another? The kind of people that don’t judge you on your new-found faith, weird clothing choices and basic lifestyle. The kind of people that know the real you. They tell you when you are wrong. They will help you along the way in this difficult life.
Because God knows this life is full of disappointments. However, I believe, that He gives 3-times more of those good times. The laughter, the smiles and the feeling of love makes it all worth it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Love...Overused??
This past weekend, I had a passing conversation with two people. They both expressed their feelings about using the word ‘love’ too much. They said it can become cliché and simply over-used. It got me to thinking about why I tell the people that I love “I love you” often.
Over the last few years, my life has been a slight roller coaster. I guess it started when many years prior when I was in an abusive relationship with a person that would take sucker punches at me when my back was turned or while I was sleeping. My conversations with God became extremely personal as I begged for a way out of this situation. The only way I can describe my desperation at that time would be to refer to the movie Eat Pray Love. The moment when Liz (played by Julia Roberts) gets on her knees and pours her heart out. One of the reflective phrases during that pray was “God… I am in serious trouble…” Those are the moments when you feel trapped, spiritually impoverished and hopeless.
During that time period in my life, I turned to my faith and gathered the strength to outwit this person out of my life. Shortly after that, I discovered the cancer that changed my life yet again. Prior to all of this, I lost the person in my life that meant the world to me. My grandmother. She was the only person that I knew 100% loved me for everything I was, am and going to be. This was a devastating loss because I felt there will never be another to love me like that.
This is not a ‘sad’ blog. This is blissful blog. During each one of these less than perfect situations, I had something in my life that was consistent. I had love. Love from my best friend Melanie. Love from other people in my life. Love coming from God. Love coming from myself to myself. This love being on consistent in my life, I cant help but to use it often.
I also think about how if I left this earth right now at this very moment, would the people in my life know that I love them. Did they not only hear it come from my voice, did they hear it come from my heart? God I hope so. :-)
I make no apologies. :-)
Over the last few years, my life has been a slight roller coaster. I guess it started when many years prior when I was in an abusive relationship with a person that would take sucker punches at me when my back was turned or while I was sleeping. My conversations with God became extremely personal as I begged for a way out of this situation. The only way I can describe my desperation at that time would be to refer to the movie Eat Pray Love. The moment when Liz (played by Julia Roberts) gets on her knees and pours her heart out. One of the reflective phrases during that pray was “God… I am in serious trouble…” Those are the moments when you feel trapped, spiritually impoverished and hopeless.
During that time period in my life, I turned to my faith and gathered the strength to outwit this person out of my life. Shortly after that, I discovered the cancer that changed my life yet again. Prior to all of this, I lost the person in my life that meant the world to me. My grandmother. She was the only person that I knew 100% loved me for everything I was, am and going to be. This was a devastating loss because I felt there will never be another to love me like that.
This is not a ‘sad’ blog. This is blissful blog. During each one of these less than perfect situations, I had something in my life that was consistent. I had love. Love from my best friend Melanie. Love from other people in my life. Love coming from God. Love coming from myself to myself. This love being on consistent in my life, I cant help but to use it often.
I also think about how if I left this earth right now at this very moment, would the people in my life know that I love them. Did they not only hear it come from my voice, did they hear it come from my heart? God I hope so. :-)
I make no apologies. :-)
Monday, January 10, 2011
Dating Outside One'sRace...
This past Sunday, I caught a show that had an interesting segment. The entire show was not based on this topic but it got me to thinking. The host of the show mentioned to the guest that there was an article about her stating that African American women should date outside their race. The guest, who happened to be an African American actress, explained that she was misquoted. She explained the person writing the article asked her a question in reference to a recent poll that showed a high percentage of single African American women. This percentage higher than other women of color and Caucasian women.
The actress went on to explain that she merely mentioned her own personal opinion and experience with just a few short sentences to that reporter at the time. Next thing she knew, there was an entire article about the subject.
However, she did go on record to say that she believes there are a high percentage of single African American women because there is a lot of pressure to NOT date outside of the race. She goes on to mention that this pressure does not apply to African American men. This lead to a huge article that stated “______ to Black Women: Date Outside Your Race!’
She elaborated further about the pressure to not date outside of our own race; which in my own personal case, seems to be true. However, I have never been a man to follow rules that I truly do not believe in.
If it is wise to think outside the box, why not DATE outside the ‘box’?
For some of us, this is easier said than done. Some of us have this fear of judgment simply because we want to date someone that makes us smile, laugh and add to our happiness. The judgment comes when our friends, loved ones and strangers see that this person is not of the same race. In this year of 2011, we have to understand (but not comfortably accept) that ignorance and racism will drive these acts of judgment. We have to be ‘ok’ with ourselves and find the courage to do what makes us joyful. After all, this life belongs to us and tomorrow might not make her debut.
We also have to surround ourselves with friends and family that want the best for us. Could you imagine having friends and people around you that love you for what you are? People that embrace and accept your harmless decisions topped with a lover that makes you want to be a better person. Yeah…I will take that any day of the week over a racist retro comment. (smile)
The actress went on to explain that she merely mentioned her own personal opinion and experience with just a few short sentences to that reporter at the time. Next thing she knew, there was an entire article about the subject.
However, she did go on record to say that she believes there are a high percentage of single African American women because there is a lot of pressure to NOT date outside of the race. She goes on to mention that this pressure does not apply to African American men. This lead to a huge article that stated “______ to Black Women: Date Outside Your Race!’
She elaborated further about the pressure to not date outside of our own race; which in my own personal case, seems to be true. However, I have never been a man to follow rules that I truly do not believe in.
If it is wise to think outside the box, why not DATE outside the ‘box’?
For some of us, this is easier said than done. Some of us have this fear of judgment simply because we want to date someone that makes us smile, laugh and add to our happiness. The judgment comes when our friends, loved ones and strangers see that this person is not of the same race. In this year of 2011, we have to understand (but not comfortably accept) that ignorance and racism will drive these acts of judgment. We have to be ‘ok’ with ourselves and find the courage to do what makes us joyful. After all, this life belongs to us and tomorrow might not make her debut.
We also have to surround ourselves with friends and family that want the best for us. Could you imagine having friends and people around you that love you for what you are? People that embrace and accept your harmless decisions topped with a lover that makes you want to be a better person. Yeah…I will take that any day of the week over a racist retro comment. (smile)
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Life...
As I sit and think about life, I cant help but think about if there are things left unsaid. Today I just found out a friend is making a decision to ‘release’ her mother by turning off the life support. It saddens me on different levels. However, it reminds me that we should continue to let our loved ones know they are loved and we are here NOW. No more games. No more “I called him last so he better call me next”. No more “I spent enough time with him/her this week, so I’m good.” If your heart prompts a feeling to see someone, reach out to someone or simply call or text… do it. As adults, we should all know better. We know tomorrow or the next minute and hour is not promised. Live as if we are in our last minutes on this earth.
Take a brief moment to tell someone you love them. Tell your family that even though you don’t see eye-to-eye, you are thinking about them and loving them. Accept people for what they are; good, bad or indifferent.
Take a brief moment to tell someone you love them. Tell your family that even though you don’t see eye-to-eye, you are thinking about them and loving them. Accept people for what they are; good, bad or indifferent.
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